I dreamt about you last night.
Twice, actually.
You were sweet, as per usual. The first time we passed each other, I heard you mutter, “You look perfect.”
The second time you directly spoke that sentence to me. I was very confused because our paths rarely cross now. Why on earth would you be taking such notice of me?
A few minutes passed by, and someone else filled me in; you were single now. Since you were no longer dating another girl, you are free. No strings attached.
At first, I felt flooded with relief. I awoke from the dream with a warm, fuzzy feeling. You were back. I wasn’t as easily discarded as I felt. You wanted to come back to me. I am important; needed and wanted.
It felt wonderful.
I’ve moved on from us, I think. I haven’t ever done this before so who knows.
As I’m sure you know, I am a very guarded person. I’ve never dated anyone. In high school I used to freak out, worrying that my friends or family would find out who I was crushing on and tease me mercilessly. I don’t want to create ties with someone if I know that they will be broken.
Unfortunately, that meant that no boys ever knew that I had a crush on them, and they always moved on. That definitely added to my feelings of being invisible. You typically have to be vulnerable in order for that to be reciprocated.
When you came along, I was flattered but had no idea how to respond. I did my best not to be as guarded with you, fully knowing that it could lead to a painful ending. And it did.
I keep remembering the good times, though. I’m thankful for the memories.
I’ve heard that when you dream about someone that they cannot sleep. Were you awake the other night? Did you know that I was thinking about you?
In the words of Taylor Swift, “And I hope sometimes you wonder about me.” But I don’t know if you do.
Dreaming about you brought that question up again. Does the real life man have the same thoughts as the dream man?
The logical part of me wants you to have moved on, to be better at this life thing than I am.
I think you have. But part of me still wonders whether or not you think about us. Did you/we make the right choice? I don’t want to be the only one who still thinks about what could have been, what never will be.
Most of the time, I am confident that I’m over us. I have moved on, I am okay when our paths cross. But sometimes it hurts. Is it the same for you too?
I am living without you. And I’m okay.
But, I want my heart back. The whole thing. I wish that I could reclaim those tiny pieces in the recesses of my heart that still belong to you.
If you’ve moved on, I want to move on as well.
Please give me all of the pieces of my heart back. There is no longer us.
Please don’t haunt my dreams, let us rest in peace. I don’t want to dream about you, and I am sure that you would like to sleep at night.
Thanks in advance,
-M
