How Will Anyone Love Me if I Can’t Even Find My Keys!?

I’ve talked before about my lifelong struggles with mental illness. For me, my mental illnesses are chronic. I cannot remember a time without them, and my depression and anxiety will most likely never completely go away.

Using tools helps.

I went to counseling almost every week for three years, seeing three different counselors over the course of that time.

I try to practice self-care by asking for help, taking time for myself, and making time for the hobbies that I enjoy.

I take the anti-depressants that my doctor and I have decided on.

Most of the time I’m glad that I am becoming healthier and learning to be more okay with my pain.

Some days, though, I grieve who I was.

Wow, that’s hard to admit out loud. Why would I want to be the unhealthy person that I was?

Well, my anxiety and obsessive tendencies help strengthen my excellence in details, the perfectionist part of me. If I constantly feel compelled to double check whether or not my phone and keys are on my person, I probably won’t lose them. When anxiety keeps me up at night fine-tuning a project I’m going to do well.

My set of keys (“keys” being my car key and loyalty cards) has been missing for two weeks. Thankfully, I put my spare key on a different keychain so I can drive my car. There’s approximately a 98% chance that my keys are somewhere in my house. I JUST DON’T KNOW WHERE.

I didn’t lose my keys when my anxiety was out of control. I always knew what was going on and had my schedule planned out. When life is crazy and I have a lot going on I really miss that part of me. Being a perfectionist is helpful because you are on top of things.

Darn me and my need to become healthy!!

A week ago I ‘lost’ my spare key in the blankets on my bed. So for an hour, I searched, hoping to find a car key. I started the search at 11 pm and by midnight I was still looking while a panic attack began.

“How could anyone ever love you if you can’t even keep track of your keys? You think you’re doing better but what kind of idiot loses a necessity like this?”

Wow, okay. Maybe your mind doesn’t escalate situations in the same way that mine does.

Eventually, I found the spare key under many layers of blankets and tried to calm down for bed. Giving myself grace is really hard. My mental illnesses can serve as spurs for my perfectionist streak if I don’t manage them.

What I don’t miss are the nightly panic attacks and being awake until 3 am. I don’t miss my body physically aching from how tense my fears hold it. I’m not grieving the days of anxiety telling me to run, run, run while the heavy hand of depression pins me to my bed, too exhausted to move. Shutting people out of my life for fear that they would see my imperfections and mental illnesses left me feeling incredibly isolated.

I am no longer the girl dying on the inside while she holds everything together on the outside- and that is a good thing.

On hard days I have to remind myself that mental health is more important than always keeping track of my keys. I am worth more than a life filled with constant anxiety.

Does anyone else struggle with missing unhealthy parts of them? I’ve learned that honesty helps me to feel freer because I’m not the only person who struggles. Health in any area of life is difficult and can’t be achieved alone.

Thanks for being my people and walking through life with me.

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